This weekend, a citizen's group calling itself Gun Owners of Sciencecracy has petitioned Congress with a controversial bill making gun ownership compulsory.

"While the Gun Owners of Sciencecracy have the safety and security of our people in mind, it would simply be impractical to enforce," comments Police Chief Gretel Barnes. "A better option would be to legalize, and encourage use of, concealed carry laws, which would allow responsible citizens to keep firearms with them at all times, on their person, to kill any wacko or their cousin who they think is threatening them."

"Compulsory gun ownership?! Concealed carry?! Are these fools nuts?!" rants an enraged Million Mummy March activist. "We don't need any of these things! What we need is complete gun registration, so that the government can track down dangerous people, like those people who possess unregistered weapons."